I have been trying to navigate some things that are pretty unique in this world. Usually we can talk about whatever is going on within us, and if we don't we can go mad. We have all seen madness. People who talk to themselves or to whomever are considered crazy. I have insight into why that happens. Its hard to talk about so to literally keep myself from going insane, I must express myself somewhere.
You see I have been part of a tight community. I need to be more specific to make sense, but I am scared I guess. Even admitting fear feels weak. Being around such manipulative people has made me really fucking paranoid. I feel unsafe because it seems that, when I turn to a friend, they gossip and it backfires. I have to be really careful, or totally let go of those attachments. Its scary.
I have been sober for four months. Since mid November. And only because I had to get sober, not because I really wanted to. I guess I did but its not like I really had a choice. I was drinking habitually about a bottle of wine a day, so that I could cope with all my stress. What stress? Well wow. That does seem strange doesn't it.

Some thoughts about people I know...People seem to be addicted to meth, alcohol and Power. The ones who are addicted to popularity by power tend to be bullies. They are often feeling very victimized themselves and feel powerless. Power. What a drug. Im worried too about certain friends. Worried they are under too much pressure, and then I feel guilty that by walking away to take care of myself, i cannot provide them with the support that they need. At the same time I need to take care of myself, because as I have seen, people are resourceful and will sort themselves out. I need to also find resources. I need my own fans and joys. I need to reclaim my power AND make sure I am not putting myself into a position of powerlessness.
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Living with chronic pain has changed all my abilities. I used to have super power and energy. As my health waned, so did my abilities and the ability to understand wtf was happening to me. As I got sicker, I felt more and more depressed. As I was more and more unable to talk about what was going, and had less and less social commodity, I felt more and more isolated.
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How does a woman feel safe in the world? It feels like everyone always wants something. Men especially.